Thinking through fear

I live my life in fear. Fear that my legs aren’t going to work. Fear that I’m going to fall. Just living in fear. I don’t like this existence of being constantly afraid . Being perpetually on high alert. Feeling as though something terrible is going to happened.

I miss the days of being able to just hop up, jump in the shower, get dressed and go in minutes. It was all so simple, so easy. Now, I have to seriously concentrate and focus in order to move my legs. I have not left my house in about the last two weeks for fear of going outside. I don’t like the feeling of fear. But it is my reality with multiple sclerosis. I wish that I could be the person that I used to be. I want to be that person. Tomorrow when I wake up, I hope that I can get up and walk the 6 minutes that I promised myself, the 6 minutes that Dr. Terry Wahls has in her clinical trial.

I spoke with my best friend today. That felt good. Haven’t spoken to him in about a week. He’s a silly human being. I think I needed that silliness, because it’s good to laugh.

I have a plan for tomorrow. A plan for the next few months, actually. But in the spirit of taking things one day at a time, let’s start with tomorrow. I plan to begin a ketogenic diet tomorrow. It is a high-fat, low carb, moderate protein diet. I will document my journey here. I won’t promise to post every day. But as often as I can will myself to do so. Depression is real. Depression hurts. Depression makes life appear devoid of color.

I used to dream in color. Right now, I can’t remember when I last dreamed, or what it was about.

And want to but it is $600 a month and I don’t have that at the moment. So I will think of ways to earn $600 a month or more, but I really just want to cover physical therapy. So that I can have the sport that I feel I need to help strengthen my legs and reverse the effects of multiple sclerosis. Wish me well, please.

Have a beautiful night. we will see what tomorrow brings.

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